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Attempt the Impossible

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Why would you set an (almost) impossible goal?

Here are two reasons why . . .
One positive and one negative.

You’ll have an excuse for your failure.
You’ll do more than you thought possible.

The event where FAILURE is almost certain!

The handful of runners who are selected for the Barkley Marathons know the odds are against them. Out of more than 1000 starts, only 15 runners have ever managed to finish under the cutoff time. The documentary about this event calls it The Race that Eats Its Young. It’s a grueling race, designed to be almost impossible.

Why would you ever take on such a challenge?

  1. Some people have an inner drive to test their limits . . . to see what they’re made of.
  2. Others of us are drawn to the idea of testing our limits. But we’re more likely to watch from the sidelines.
  3. Still others think the whole idea of putting yourself through this pain and struggle is just crazy.

Moving up to Number 1.

I’ve spent most of my life in the number two spot on this list. I love to see and read about people who push their limits, take on a big adventure and survive. But I was always too afraid to take the risks myself. I took on “safe” challenges. I wanted the feeling of doing something amazing without facing the danger.

You can make excuses or you can grow.

The thing about “impossible” goals is that you can use them for an excuse or to help you grow. I used impossible goals as an excuse for most of my life.

The Excuse!


I used to be a loser!

If you’ve never heard my story, I used to believe that I shouldn’t win. It was a limiting belief I learned as a child. I’ll give more details about my story in a future blog and video. But for now, trust me . . . I was a loser.

I expected failure . . . and I was afraid of success.

So I would set an almost impossible goal. That way I satisfied both my conscious and my subconscious mind.

My conscious mind was satisfied because I felt like I was working on a “big goal.” I could even convince myself that I was trying really, really hard. At least I was attempting to improve myself.

My subconscious mind was satisfied because it knew I wouldn’t succeed.

So I was able to hold onto my limiting beliefs that I wasn’t a winner and, at the same time, satisfy my conscious desire for self-improvement.

Going for the impossible.

Reaching a goal that you set is great! You feel good. You pat yourself on the back. You celebrate. And you should celebrate your wins. And I’ve learned how to do this. My old limiting beliefs are gone.

But going after impossible goals will push you past your limits. You see, your limits are mostly in your mind. And, as long as you only do what you know is possible, you’ll never know what you can really do.

Why SMART goals may not always be smart.

You may have heard about setting SMART goals. Smart goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-sensitive.

SMART goals are good in some ways. They keep you safe. They keep you focused. They keep you feeling successful.

But SMART goals won’t make you outstanding. When you have to push harder than you think you can and still have a good chance of failure, you grow in amazing ways.

But this growth only happens if you have the right mindset.

Last weekend I ran in a 50 kilometer Trail race in Arkansas.

I did not realize there was an 8-hour cut off time when I signed up. My best time for 50 kilometers is 9 hours. I knew I had almost no chance to run one hour faster.
I ran hard. But I knew I wasn’t going to make the cutoff.

Do you think people around you are doing the best they can?

My wife asked me this question recently. She heard Brené Brown say that most people are doing the best they can with the life . . . trying to live the best way they know how.

I understand the sentiment. But I think only a handful of us truly live at our absolute best. We always keep a safety margin. The Navy Seals say that when you think you’re at your limits you’re actually only 40% of the way there.

I’m looking for a full-throttle kind of life. I’m not going to be satisfied any more with watching other people have adventures and test their limits. I’m in the game.

This means that I am going to be doing things that scare me. I’m okay with that. I am working to make fear my friend.

And I am looking for people who want to join me to be better than they ever imagined they could be.
If you’re up for a challenge, join my email group. I’ll share my best tools and tips with you.

 

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Stress is a Habit!

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Think about this for a minute: Stress is a habit!

I know. I know. You may think I’m nuts. You’re sitting here, reading this, and telling me that your stress is from being buried in work . . . or your crazy boss . . . or your kids driving you nuts . . .

I know how you feel.

I’ve been there, like the guy spinning plates on sticks. You spend your day putting out fires and trying to keep everyone but yourself happy.

Drowning in stress

But consider this . . . stress is an emotion. Actually, stress is a combination of several emotions working together.

What we call “stress” comes from the part of the brain called the amygdala. Otherwise known as the Lizard Brain.

Your Lizard Brain is designed to protect you from danger. When you’re about to be attacked by a lion, tiger, or bear, you don’t want to analyze your options. You need to move fast.

Your Lizard Brain also kicks in if you’re about to be run over by a bus. I kind of doubt many of us have faced lions and tigers and bears.

Most of your emotions are habits.

Like I said, stress is an emotion. And your emotions come from, and are stored, in your body. When you have an experience, you think a thought. Your thought creates a story about what the experience means. Your brain signals your body to create chemicals to make you feel the way you’re thinking. The way you’re feeling then signals your brain to keep thinking the way you’re feeling. Sounds confusing, right. That’s why I made you a graphic to illustrate how this works.

Then thing is that this same cycle of thinking and feeling will repeat itself every time you remember what happened. Every time you remember . . . tell yourself the story about what happened . . . you produce the same neurochemical response and feel the same feelings you had at first.

Your brain and your body react the same way to both real events and imaginary ones.

The more you tell yourself the story about what happened, the more your body wires neurons to keep you thinking and feeling the same way. This loop can be called a State of Being.

The end result is that your emotions are on autopilot. What you feel is now a habit.

You live most of your life on autopilot.

You get up on the same side of the bed. You go to work the same way. You see the same people. You go home. You watch the same shows on TV. You see the same people on Facebook.

The routine of your life doesn’t change much from day to day.

So you aren’t producing many new experiences to create fresh emotional responses. So most of what you feel each day is a habit.

So the stress you feel is a habit you’ve developed.

I first talked about this topic on a Facebook live. Brenda, my wife, reminded me that there are a lot of people living in stressful situations they can’t control.  She knows a lot of women who are living with narcissists. They feel trapped and powerless to change their circumstances.

She questioned me about whether stress is really a habit for these people.

Stress is more severe for people living with emotional abuse. And no one should have to live in constant tension and abuse. But the way we experience stress is the same, and it is a habit.

You may be stuck and not able to get away from a stressful situation. But the way you feel and the way you deal with your stress is a habit. Or, you could call it a coping mechanism.

Here’s an example from my life this week

Every relationship has conflicts. And, in long-term relationships, the conflicts aren’t always about the issue you’re dealing with right now. You have history. You have emotional habits. You have hundreds of loops that are States of Being. All of these are just under the surface just waiting to come up when you’re triggered.

Sometimes you can see an argument about to start, and you already know what each of you are going to say and how you’re going to feel before you even start.

Here’s what happened:

Brenda made a comment, and I took it to mean that I wasn’t doing what she expected me to . . . like I was doing something wrong.

I reacted, and I responded from the feelings I had. But what she really said to me wasn’t what I heard. I even disregarded her tone of voice and added a few words she didn’t say. I had a State of Being loop running in my mind, and my response wasn’t about what she really said. It was And my response led to an argument.

Of course I didn’t realize any of this until after the argument was over. But it didn’t take too long. I’m learning how to catch these habit loops before they go too far.

Getting out of the habit of stress.

I wasn’t trying to get rid of my stress when I had my life transformation. I was trying to get over my subconscious blocks that were holding me back from success.

But the transformation I made went far beyond finding success. Living from the inside out has helped me get more done with way less stress. And my relationships are better . . . not perfect. But I’m headed in a good direction.

I’m still growing and getting better at living from the inside out. I started this process by learning to focus my mind and being aware of my States of Being.

One of the tools I used to start my transformation is free as an incentive for joining my email group. If you’re not part of this group, consider joining.

This tool is one that I still use on a daily basis to keep myself on track. To try it out only takes 5 minutes.

Leave me your name and email address below and I’ll help you get started.

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Control your cravings with this easy trick!

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You can experience your future right now!

I’m not talking about you getting in a DeLorean, like Marty McFly, and blasting through time. Don’t get me wrong. I love time travel movies and TV shows.

What I’m talking about is your real future . . . at least your real potential future. And what I’m talking about is a whole lot more useful than Science Fiction.

It began a few months ago.

I’ve been eating too much sugar this winter. It started with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Oh . . . those deserts were good! I opened the door and the cravings continued. I kept giving in. Those deserts are so good!

And then I had a couple of weeks working out of town. I ended up eating what was quick and easy rather than what was good for me.

Consequently, I picked up some extra pounds. And I felt bloated and sluggish.

Two weeks ago, I decided I needed to take strong measures.

I quit eating sweets. And I made sure to eat healthy. After a few days, I got my zip back. (But the extra pounds will take a bit longer.)

This week, Brenda, my wife, set out the “new” flavor of M&Ms she bought. I felt that familiar urge to grab a handful . . . but I only ate two.

I didn’t use willpower!

You see, I know not to argue with my cravings. My logic and willpower are too weak. The cravings always win. I can say, “I don’t want to . . .” But I end up doing it anyway.

But I’ve learned how to fight back when my cravings grab me!

Here’s the secret weapon I use.

I grab power from the future!

Here’s the thing. I know how regret feels.

So I look at what I crave and imagine how I’m going to feel afterwards.

You know what it’s like to fight your cravings. You know you’re going to feel miserable later. But knowing it and feeling it are two different things.

Here’s my secret weapon to beat back the cravings.

I focus on the future feeling that I know is coming if I give in. I make that feeling of regret real. I use my imagination to create the emotion and make it as strong as possible.

You see, your craving is tempting you with pleasure. You don’t crave what feels bad. And, even when your mind tells you that regret and misery are on the other side, you still give in and go for feeling good right now.

But you can change your “I wish I hadn’t done that” into “I’m not going to do that.”

You can’t change your emotions using logic.

You have to use an opposite feeling if you want to change a feeling.

Yes, pulling from your future and feeling regret right NOW makes you feel bad. You need more than logic and arguments. Only real feelings are going to kill the desire for what you’re craving. And the stronger you can feel it the easier it is to resist the temptation.

Feeling bad is good!

Here’s the deal. It feels good after you win this battle. Let’s be honest. The pleasure you get from having what you crave doesn’t last very long. But the regret and misery linger like a bad smell.

In the same way, you’ll only feel bad for a little while. And feeling your success when you win is sweet.

All you need is a little attention.

Of course, when you live on autopilot you can have half a bag of chips eaten before you even realize they’re in your hand. You have to pay attention and remember to use this strategy when cravings hit.

Most of the people you meet live 95% of their life on autopilot.

My mission is to help you pay attention and live your life on purpose. You live a life of freedom when you live from the inside out!

If you feel stuck and need to get some traction toward your big dreams, click the button below and schedule a free consultation with me. I’ll be glad to help.

How to quit on yourself!

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I used to be a good quitter.

For most of my life, I looked for the easy button. I loved short-cuts and life-hacks. If the job was hard or not fun, I’d cut corners to get it done as fast as possible and with the least amount of work.

Easy ButtonOh, I set goals, every once in a while. But I never had a strategy. I never made a plan. I was a dreamer. I saw myself doing great things. But I quit when things got hard. 

The result was that I only set small, easy-to-reach goals. 

This is how I quit being a runner. 

Do you remember the movie Forrest Gump, where Forrest started the national running craze?  I was part of that running craze. (I mean, the real running craze. I’m pretty sure the movie was fiction.)

I was in my late twenties, and I realized I was overweight and out-of-shape. “Everyone” was running. So I decided I’d join in.

We were in the Stone Age compared to what runners have today. There was no internet. You had to be part of a running group or subscribe to magazines to get scraps of info about training, nutrition, and equipment. Most of us just strapped on an old pair of shoes and went out and hit the road.

I was a poor runner.

I mean, I was “poor” in two ways.

I didn’t have enough money to buy great shoes or special clothing. And I didn’t have the natural ability to run fast.

But, even with my disadvantages, I decided I would run a marathon. So I trained hard, and we scraped together enough for the entry fee.

I ran and finished the Lincoln Marathon!

Finish line at Lincoln marathonI finished at the back of the pack. And the walkers weren’t going much faster than I was at the end. But four hundred people didn’t finish at all. So I celebrated that as my victory.

I quit being a runner long before I knew I’d quit.

But I made a big mistake after my “win.” I reached my goal, but I didn’t set another one to keep me motivated. I still told myself I was a runner. But I quit training hard. I didn’t have the passion to keep going.

Oh, I’d still go out and knock out a few miles. And I still thought of myself as a runner. After all, I still had the T-shirt and finisher’s medal from my marathon! But, in reality, I was in a long, slow fade that led me to quitting.

And I spent the next several decades overweight and out of shape.

I’ve been a good quitter for most of my life.

I’ve done this “slow taper to quitting” with other stuff in my life besides running. I’d start something new. Work at it for a while. Then I’d lose interest, and I’d taper off and quit.

I finally made real changes in my life!

Being a quitter didn’t mean I gave up trying to make my life better. I read all the books. I went to seminars. I tried positive self-talk, affirmations, NLP, and prayer. But I was still looking for a magic bullet. I wanted an easy button.

Then, three years ago, something clicked. It wasn’t an easy button. But it was like a switch was flipped in my mind.

Since then, I’ve made amazing changes in my life. That’s why I say I used to be a quitter. I’ve learned to focus my thoughts and direct my mind to create the kind of life I’ve dreamed about for years.

The thing is that my old habits didn’t vanish. Sure, I’ve got new habits now. I’ve set big goals to live a life of excellence. I’ve rewired my brain. And the strategies I used to change my life are the tools I share with my coaching clients.

But those old habit pathways are still there in my brain. They’re like abandoned highways. The grass and weeds have grown up. And I don’t use those roads any more. But it doesn’t take much to start traveling them again.

You see, old habits never die. They only fade.

You don’t really erase a habit. You have to override it with a new habit, a stronger one. But that old habit stays there in your brain.

Think about those smokers who have quit smoking for years, and then, one day, they start smoking again. The same is true for alcoholics. You’ve probably had this experience if you’ve ever tried losing weight. You change your habits to get the result that you want. And, then once you get the results, you relax. Then you eventually slip back into your old habits.

So what do you do to not quit on yourself? Let me tell you what I’m doing the second time around.

I turned my “quit running” into a long pause.

I started running again last year.

I became an ultra marathon runner in 2018. I went from running 0 miles to running and finishing the Hawk 50-mile trail race in Lawrence, KS.

It was only a few days into my recovery when I said to myself, “Self, I think you might be able to do the 100 mile version of this race next year.”

I kicked that idea around in my mind for about a week. Then I realized what I was doing. I was saying to myself, “I think I can,” rather than “I’m going to.”

You see, I made my zero-to-fifty mile goal a no-doubt-about-it-I’m-gonna-do-it commitment. I had no doubt I’d do it!

But here I was thinking about my 100-mile goal with a well-maybe-I-can-if-things-go-right seed of doubt. I thought, “What am I doing? I’m planning my excuse to fail even before I start!”

My “goal” was better than nothing.

Don’t get me wrong. Setting my sights on something bigger gave me a better shot at not quitting this time.

But I so you see how my self-talk was way too weak?

So I went through a bit of self-evaluation. Do I truly want a bigger goal? Can I set this goal as a certainty rather than a wish?

I rolled this around in my mind and answered “Yes!” So I started planning and training.

I saw the early signs of QUIT coming back.

My inner transformation went deeper than just becoming an ultra runner. My whole approach to life is different now. Running and changing my diet were the two most visible results of my inner changes.

And it was my diet and my running where the signs of the slow fade to a big QUIT showed up.

My first compromise was sugar.

I didn’t really cut sugar out of my life. I just cut way back. But last Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years tempted me into eating too much sugar and too much food.

The result was that I gained seven pounds. And those seven extra pounds stayed with me.

At the same time, we had a wet, cold winter in Kansas City this year. I let the deep snow, the mud, and the rain be my excuse to stay inside and warm.

This was the same pattern that led me to quit running the last time.

I told myself my inner compromise wasn’t a big deal. I kept doing my other “good habits.”

You know how this works, don’t you? You can be killing it in some areas, and really sucking in others.

The problem is that when you let a few things slide it’s that “quitting” attitude spreads like a virus, and pretty soon your whole life sucks.

This time I’m paying attention!

This time I’m not taking that slow fade to a big QUIT.

The me from the past, that go-with-the-flow, Que Sera Sera quitter is over!

I’ve vowed to stop living from my past and take charge of my present and my future. 

So I’m having smoothies for breakfast, and salads for lunch. Also, I’m doing intermittent fasting. (That means I only eat breakfast and lunch.)

And I tamed my sugar dragon!

My body no longer feels bloated and sluggish. I’m seriously training for my 100 mile trail race in September. This time will be different. I’m not a quitter any more.

I’m dealing with my crap.

As a life coach, my goal is to be transparent. The strategies I share with clients are the same ones I use myself. There is no Easy Button. But that doesn’t mean changing your life for the better has to be hard either.

It helps to have a coach.

I’ve worked hard to change my life for years on my own. I finally had some success. But hiring a coach was one of the best decisions I made. My coach has a coach.

So what I offer my one-to-one clients are tools to help them pay attention. The greatest power God gave us is the ability to choose our thoughts. Knowing how to use this truth was what changed my life. It can change yours too.

Get my free exercise that I used to start getting control in my life. Just leave me your name and email in the box below for instant access.

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You are not where you think you are!

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Where are you at right now?

I know, I know. You’re probably thinking this is a silly question.  Because you look around and you say I’m at the gym. Or I’m at home. Or I’m at work. Or, I’m sitting here reading a blog post, and it doesn’t really matter where I am now, does it?

But what if I told you that you’re not really where you think you are?

You’ve probably heard all the talk about”mindfulness” and “being in the moment.” There’s even a famous book called The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.

You see, I’m not asking you where your body is right now. I’m asking where YOU are right now.

If you’re like me, your mind and attention aren’t usually in the same place where your body is.

If this is a new idea for you, just try to have your mind and attention focused only on your body and your immediate surroundings for 5 minutes. Go ahead and give it a go. I’ll wait right here.

Queue the musical interlude 

Oh, good! You’re back.
Well . . . How did you do?

It takes a lot of work to get your mind to hold still. You’re always thinking.

And you’re usually thinking about either the past or the future.

Focusing on NOW is hard. That’s why people write books about how and why to do it.

The reason that NOW is so important is that it’s the only time you really have.

Your past is only memory.

Your future is only imagination.

Let me explain what I’m talking about. Your past is kept in your brain as stories you tell yourself and others about what has happened in your life.  On the other hand, you imagine your future by telling stories about what you will do, what you want to do, or what you have to do. (You also imagine stories of scary/awful things you’re afraid might happen.)

Movies in your mind

Your past and future stories are like movie trailers, always running in your mind. This means that your mind is either reviewing and reliving your past or imagining your future. Your body is in the NOW, but your mind is usually somewhere else.

Your mental autopilot

You and I tend to deal with the NOW of life by running on autopilot. Your subconscious routines and habits help you manage the regular details of life. You know how you can drive home from work and not remember the trip? Those autopilot habits are a good thing. They free up your mind to focus on more important things.

The challenge you face is that your mind wants to keep you just like you are.

Your mental autopilot is like a computer program using stories from your past to determine what you do. Your thoughts, actions, and decisions become habits. You keep repeating them, and life goes on. Both your subconscious and your conscious mind tell you, “Don’t mess with the system as long as it works.”

Your mind also uses your imagination against you. Just consider how things are always worse, bigger, and scarier when you’re looking forward to what might be. It could be a survival tool. Imagining the worst does tend to make you more cautious.

But what if you want to transform your life?

You have to overcome your mind if you are every going to change your life. To do that you will need to learn how to take control of your NOW as well as what you imagine about your future.

Think about this: Your brain can’t tell the difference between a past memory, a present event, and what you imagine about the future.

The electrical circuits and chemical response between your brain and body are the same whether you’re thinking about the past, the present, or the future.

You’ve experienced this, haven’t you?

Think about what happens when you watch a movie, or read a book. You feel it in your body as if it’s real.

The same thing happens when you remember past events. You replay the story in your mind and feel the pain, joy, anger, or hurt as if it’s happening right now.

Meet Future You.

I started this blog post by asking where you are right now. And you’re probably wondering where all this is going. Hang with me a little more. I do have a purpose in all this.

Where will you be in ten years?

You see, I don’t want to live my life just repeating my past. I don’t want to live on autopilot!

And, since you’re here, I’m guessing that you want to live a transformed life too.

Ten years from now, you and I will be 4.5 trillion miles from where we are right now. Our solar system moves at 518,000 miles per hour.

So how can you connect to Future You over such a huge gap of time and space?

There’s a principle in quantum mechanics called the Law of Entanglement. It says that when particles of matter are entangled, they influence each other, no matter how far they are separated in space and time. I may be making a quantum leap here, but this suggests how Future You can provide you energy to change your life!

Here’s how to tap into the power of Future You.

Instead of running the VCR tapes from your past, you can create virtual reality, digital stories of Future You. Sure, the stories are in your imagination. But remember, your brain doesn’t know the difference!

Here’s how to make this work in your life.

Write down your goals. What do you want your life to look like in 10 years? Be specific. Where will you be living? What work will you be doing? What were your relationships with your friends and family look like? What kind of car would you have? How much money will you make?   What are the things you no longer put up with? What new skills have you learned?

This is the standard goal-setting strategy you’ve heard before. You know the drill. You write out all this stuff and then you take your list and break it down in small steps. Then you work each day to get it done.

The problem I had with the standard goal-setting model was that my autopilot never disengaged. My habits kept me doing the same things over and over. And you know what they say about doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, don’t you? Yes, I drove myself crazy!

I started getting results when I learned to tap into the power of Future Me.

Here’s how that part works.

You do your typical goal setting exercise. Write down the kind of life you want to have one year, five years, 10 years from now. However long you want to imagine into the future to build the life you’re dreaming about.

Now, take these goals and create a mental picture of what your life is like as Future You. Make it your virtual reality! Make it feel real!

Your imagination knows how to do this. When you’re asleep your dreams feel real. Practice using your imagination just as strongly to create Future You and the house you live in, the cars you drive, the life you’re living!

Remember, your imagination is just as powerful as your memory. Use your imagination to turn your list of goals into a story about Future You that is just as real as your memories of your past.

 

You can find great information and resources to transform your life. You’ll find millions of hits if you Google “self-improvement.”

But there may come a time when you find having a coach will give you the turbo-boost you need to start building the road to your big dreams and goals.

When you’re ready, I’m here to help. Click the button below now! Schedule a free consultation.

What tribe are you from!

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March Madness is in full swing as I write this! People everywhere are talking about college basketball, busted brackets, and surprising upsets.

College basketball may not be your thing, but I live in a sports town. You’re kind of an outsider here if you don’t have a team you root for.

Here in Kansas City, we have three college teams within driving distance. This time of year you see a lot of team colors from the Jayhawks, Wildcats, and Tigers — University of Kansas, Kansas State, and Missouri. And the rivalries between these schools and their fans are fierce.

In fact, the rivalry between Missouri and both universities in Kansas is so deep that a former Missouri coach, Norm Stewart, refused to buy gas or food in the state of Kansas whenever his team played in the state.

We also have the Royals and Chiefs — major league baseball and NFL football.

I wrote a previous blog post about why your identity is so vital to your success. Your identity is the real driver of everything you do.

And we’re all trained to take our identity from things outside ourselves. Your job, your house, your car, your status, all these things feel like they make you who you are. And the story you tell yourself and others about who you are comes from these “outside” factors. And living from the outside in isn’t all that desirable.

But there’s another “outside” source of identity you need to think about.

This is the identity you get from your “tribe.”  Yes, I know what you’re thinking. Tribe is an over-used word. But it describes exactly the idea I’m talking about.

Your tribe is the group of people you let influence your identity.

It starts with your family.

In the case of family, you never really had much choice in the matter. You landed with adults who did the best they could. At least, that’s what’s supposed to happen.

For better or worse, you developed your deepest stories about who you are and how you relate to the world by the time you’re around eight years old. And you don’t have any filter to judge whether or not any of these stories are true or whether they are helpful for the life you have ahead of you.

Most of us have at least some amount of crap we have to get over.  A good coach can help. And, if you’ve got a ton of crap to deal with, you are wise to talk to a therapist.

Of course, you probably try to get through as best you can on your own. But read this to the end and you’ll see that not one of us really lives “on our own.”

You are designed to be connected.

Photo by Perry Grone on Unsplash

It used to be that you had little chance of survival outside of your tribe. You’d starve, get eaten by animals, killed or captured by an enemy if you were out in the world on your own.

Modern life gives you the illusion that you don’t really need a tribe. But, trust me, you do.

Your tribe is the one “outside” place you should find your identity.

Every tribe has a common identity made up of the stories shared by it’s members. Remember how I said in my previous post that your identity is the collection of short stories you tell yourself and others? Your tribe’s identity comes from stories too.

And March Madness is a perfect example of how this works. Watch the fans at the game. (Don’t do it while your team is playing. You have to BE a fan for your team and pay attention to the game.)

The fans in the bleachers are intense! The story of their tribe is developing on the court in front of their eyes.

A win means wild celebration!

Losing sucks!

When you’re a fan, this is your story too.

The anticipation, the drama, the highs and lows of the game are what you crave, because you have part of your identity wrapped up in your team.

I know what you’re thinking . . . that you’re above all that. That you’re cool, calm, and collected.

But think about how you talk about the game the day after your team loses. You make excuses or complain about what went wrong as if somehow a little bit responsible for the way your team blew it.

We are the champions! This is my tribe.

You can find a ton of articles discussing the how and why people choose to be fans of one team over another. No one has a clear, definitive answer on this.  But true fans tie their passion and identity to the ups and downs of their team. They are part of the tribe.

You may not be a sports fan, but you belong to a tribe.

And you probably have several tribes.

Remember the definition: your tribe is the group you belong to that gives you some of your identity. You have common, shared stories with your tribe. And you may have an initiation process or have to prove yourself in some way to be part of the tribe.

Let me tell you a story to show you what I mean.

I am an ultra-marathon trail runner!

I started running trails a little over a year ago. My goal, when I started, was to run a 50 mile trail race that was scheduled twelve months from when I began.

The man who inspired me was part of a group called the Trail Nerds. I started hanging out with them at their weekly events. I learned the lingo and picked up tips on how to run better, faster, and farther.

I decided to run a 50K trail race a few months before the 50 mile race I was planning for.

I made all kind of mistakes. After 20 miles, I felt like I couldn’t go on. But a woman from the Trail Nerds came a quarter-mile down the trail to find me.

“You have only ten minutes to make the cutoff!” she said. “You need to get a move on!”

She didn’t accept my excuse that I couldn’t make it another 10 miles. She sat me in a chair at the aid station, and people swarmed around me, dumping ice water on my head and stocking up my hydration pack. I stumbled out of the aid station, beating the cutoff time by 4 minutes.

Making the cutoff meant I was DFL!

The course “sweepers” were only a few hundred yards behind me.

But I finished. I was DFL — Dead F*in Last.

At our next group run, the lady who encouraged me said, “You’re an ultra runner now!” It didn’t matter that I was DFL. I finished! I was a member of the tribe.

And I successfully completed my 50 mile trail race a few months later.

Find a tribe that makes you better than you can be on your own.

The 50 mile trail race has a 100 mile distance as well. One of my fellow tribe members made it 95 miles before an injury stopped him.

After my 50 mile race, I mentioned that I was thinking about doing the 100 mile version this year. My tribe said, “Of course you can do it!”

Hang out with people who think running 100 miles on dirt trails is normal!

No, I don’t expect you to become a runner. But you do need to make sure the people you hang out with give you this kind of encouragement. Your tribe should push you to be the best you can be!

If you want to be better and do better, take a good look at who you hang out with. Jim Rohn is famous for saying that you are the average of your 5 closest friends. But there’s evidence that your entire tribe is what influences you, for good or evil.

What do you have to offer your tribe?

Your tribe should give help and encouragement to go after the life you want. And you have to have something to offer to the group as well.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

I can tell you from experience that you don’t fit in very well when you’re trying to pull your identity from the outside in. Your tribe should add a bonus layer to your identity. Not make up your entire identity.

Your tribe wants people who are confident in who they are.

When you live from the inside out, when what you do comes from who you are, you attract your ideal tribe. Your confidence is a people-magnet.

There is an African proverb that says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

So be yourself and find your tribe. And I hope your NCAA bracket stays intact.

 

Do you have a dream that you’ve hidden away that’s aching to break out? Or is there a gnawing in your gut that you’re meant for something more, something extraordinary?

I’ll help you transform yourself so you won’t look back ten years from now saying, “Oh, what I could’a . . . would’a . . . should’a . . . done when I had the chance!”

Click now on the button below to schedule a free consultation to see how I can help you!

Who are you?

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Who are you? 

Take a minute to watch this short clip from Anger Management. Have you ever felt like Dave?

Do you live from the outside in?

I think it could be a conspiracy. We’ve all been conditioned to think of who we are in terms of our job and the things we have. THEY want us to live like this because it makes us hard working producers as well as constant consumers. And you know that producing and consuming is what drives our whole economy.

And every ad you see is working to convince you that you’ll be better looking, thinner, sexier, more popular, healthier, and happier when you buy whatever product THEY are selling. So you have to get a good job and work hard to get all the things you need to be the person you think you want to be.

This is how THEY shape your identity.

It’s natural to think of your job as a big part of who you are. Your status in the world and your self image are tied to your job title. Why do you think some corporations have so many vice-presidents and managers? Don’t believe me? Imagine how you’d feel telling everyone you’re starting a new career as a garbage truck driver. Your ego would take a huge hit with that decision.

So why does it matter?

Outside in. Inside out. Just let me live my life, damnit! 

I get you! When your job is going great and you’re making good money, you usually don’t start thinking about “Who am I and what is my life all about?” 

But ignoring this question can bring you two potential problems.

The first problem is this: When your identity comes from what you do and what you have, what happens if you lose your job or all your stuff? Who are you then? None of us like to think about it. But life happens. 

The second problem is that you spend a ton of energy trying to keep everything under control so you don’t lose what you’ve got. I know. I’ve been there. And I know from experience how the stress of it takes a toll on your mind and body.

The third problem is that living from the outside in is like eating only carbohydrates. You’re never quite satisfied and seem to always want more.

Don’t get me wrong. Having a crappy job and being poor isn’t the answer either. 

(Yes, I put three items here on purpose to see if you’re paying attention.)

Get free from the conspiracy!

I know! I know! You’re thinking I’m about to give you the the hook. Here’s where I tell you that you’ve got to do something that kind of sucks. You’re looking for my sales pitch. Am I right?

Well, the answer is yes and no for the sales pitch.

Yes, I can tell you from experience that doing the same thing over and over again gives you the same crappy results. And I did the whole “do more and get more,” bust your ass and motivate yourself, bullshit. But I was still the same schmuck as when I started.

The “no” part of my sales pitch is this: Once I found the tools, making real changes in my life wasn’t all that hard.

Your thoughts control your destiny.

Yeah. Yeah. All the self-help gurus say this. Change your thinking and you’ll change your life. You’ve heard it before.

Well . . . they say it because it’s true.

But here’s what they don’t say.

Those thoughts that control your life are 95% subconscious. 

This means that you can use all the affirmations, self-discipline and mindset tactics you want. Your subconscious won’t listen. Your subconscious doesn’t respond to logic and “reason”.

And your affirmations and self-talk are all based in logic. So your subconscious ignores you.

You have to feel it!

Here’s the key. Your subconscious runs on emotions.

Your identity is a collection of stories connected to emotions that are stored in your subconscious.

You can change your identity by telling yourself different stories. But you have to connect emotion to your new stories.

So let’s quit talking about theory and get down to where the rubber meets the road!

How I quit being a loser.

I defended the next to the last position on my high school tennis team. You had to win to move up. And I could play well enough to tie the score, but I always lost the game in the end.

Ten years later, we spent a lot of time hanging out with our good friends, Don and Joyce. Don and I played endless games of ping pong. Once again, I played well enough to get to a tie, but I usually ended up losing the game.

The story I told myself was, “I’m just not a competitive person.”

But this was my identity we’re talking about here. That “non-competitive” story I told myself meant that losing and failure felt more comfortable to me than success. In fact, I sabotaged myself, subconsciously, so I wouldn’t succeed.

The source of my “loser identity” story was tied up in my subconscious religious beliefs. I believed that good, spiritual minded Christians weren’t supposed to be big winners. Never mind all the details about why I believed this. I knew it wasn’t true, but my subconscious didn’t care. My subconscious gave me what I believed.

I fought this messed up belief with logic and positive self talk for decades.

Then I found the key

When I mixed my affirmations and self talk with positive emotions, my subconscious began paying attention. My life began to change. I lost weight. I took up trail running and ultra marathons. My relationships got stronger. I approached life with more confidence.

Of course, I had to work at it. I had to take control of my thoughts and emotions.

But the big change came when I finally believed that I am free to think the thoughts I want. And I can decide what emotion I will feel in relation to the thoughts I think.

I quit thinking crappy thoughts.

And I started thinking thoughts that served me. I told myself stories, with emotion, that let me be the person I choose to be.

Life coaching

I now have a coach. The work I’ve done on my own got me to where I am. My coach gave me a supercharged engine. I’m going after dreams I’ve kept locked away for years.

Could a good coach have helped get me to where I am now faster and with less struggle? Probably. On the other hand, I’ve learned not to worry about what might have been. Now is all the time we have. And I’m using the NOW to live from who I am.

How can I help you?

What dreams do you have that scare you a little? Do you like the idea of living from the inside out? I’d love to talk to you and see how I can help.

It’s a free consultation.

Click the button below now.

 

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Why Your Resolutions Don’t Work!

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Are you making New Year’s resolutions this year?

You have a new, fresh calendar! It’s a blank slate, full to potential to do it better than you did last year.! So, making resolutions is the natural thing to do, right?

The problem with resolutions is that they don’t work.

New Year's Resolutions don't workIt doesn’t matter what you do. You can never really keep them. Here’s the reason why.

You make resolutions to stop bad habits or start good habits. But your subconscious mind feels like every habit is vital to your survival. Yes, it even feels that way about the habits you “know” are bad for you.

Your subconscious doesn’t listen to your logic. And your subconscious controls 95% of what you do.

Here’s what to do instead of making resolutions.

Choose a word for the year! Yes, choose a single word.

A word works better than resolutions because your subconscious doesn’t see it as a threat. You aren’t trying to make a radical change in a habit. It’s just a simple word.

A word has more power than resolutions

Two years ago I chose the word “celebrate” as my word for the year. I’ve never been very good at celebrating. I sucked at it. In fact, the year that “celebrate” was my word I sucked even worse at celebrating. Holidays, life events and successes came and went. I didn’t celebrate.

You see, I had this idea that feeling good about winning or success was prideful. I was supposed to be humble. And that meant keeping my emotions wrapped up tight! No dancing in the end zone! No fire of passion and shouting!
But I was great at celebrating last year. I crushed some big goals in 2018. And I took time to celebrate what I did and feel how awesome it is to win! My word for 2017 made a difference!

Three steps to picking your word

1. What is a part of your life that you most want to improve.
2. Pick a word that was fire you to focus on that area.
3. Set up your word to appear throughout the year via reminder on your calendar, your phone, had her for Facebook, or Instagram.

Now, of course, you can’t just choose a word and forget about it. Your word is inspiration and a reminder of what you want. It’s not a magic spell.

For example, let’s say you decide to get in shape and lose weight. And you the word “health”. You can look at your word every day. Nothing will happen if you don’t work out and watch what you eat. You still have to take action. Your word only reminds you of what you said you want. You still have to do the work.

So ditch your resolutions.

Find yourself a word to inspire you. If you use it right, your word will make real changes that resolutions can never make. And, if you’re like me and pick a word you suck at, you can carry your word over to next year. You’ll be surprised at the power you can find in a word.

 

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